


wish you would

by shcityboi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Breakups, Heavy Angst, M/M, Moving On, Past Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, heavy bokuaka, im sorry konoha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27618329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shcityboi/pseuds/shcityboi
Summary: Konoha knows he'd never be able to replace Fukurodani's ace in Akaashi's heart. He knows that perhaps it'll always be Bokuto's name he'll whisper in the air whenever he's not around.He knows.But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Konoha Akinori
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	wish you would

**Author's Note:**

> there's an after story at the end notes :)) just a little summary of what happened after the ending.

They'd started dating 2 years after Black Jackals' Bokuto Koutarou and manga editor Akaashi Keiji had broken up. The news of their breakup spread, for some reason, and had continued to do so for a couple more weeks.

Apparently, nobody had thought Bokuto and Akaashi would ever break up.

If Konoha were being honest, he didn't think they would too.

Maybe it was because it felt like they were always made for each other. Ever since high school, Akaashi had been drawn to Bokuto for reasons that escaped all of them. He'd even put up with Bokuto's hellish individual trainings.

Maybe it was because he could see the way Bokuto's whole being would light up at the mere sight of Akaashi, how his wide grin would become even impossibly wider as the editor regarded him. How he'd always be Akaashi _this_ , Akaashi _that_ , that they can now identify which enunciation of 'Akaashi' he'd say depending on his current mood.

And it wasn't just him. No, Akaashi was as crazy for Bokuto as Bokuto was for him.

Maybe a little subtler, something you'd only notice if you knew Akaashi for a certain period of time.

But it was there.

Akaashi... he'd shine brightest when Bokuto was near.

It was no secret that he was a busy and exhausted man, and though nobody had bothered to mention it, they'd seen him visibly relax at the presence of his 'star'.

As if he was his rest, his moment of peace.

Yet it was always Akaashi's eyes that told so much, always his eyes that spoke the things he didn't voice out loud.

They'd never heard him say sweet things like Bokuto does on a daily basis, but the way he treated the player showed more than enough to them.

The soft look he'd give to the owl-haired boy, the way Akaashi's eyes would shine with so much admiration, so much love. The way his lips would curl up the slightest bit whenever his gaze lands on Bokuto.

That had said enough.

And the whole world knew their story too. Bokuto wasn't much of a secret keeper. And he couldn't, for the love of him, stop blabbing about Akaashi. He'd confirmed it carelessly at a meet back then, when an interviewer had ask if he was in a relationship (how the topic went there he didn't know) and Bokuto had immediately answered with, "Yep! I have a boyfriend, his name is Akaashi!" with the brightest smile on his lips.

It was quite a surprise, to everyone, when Bokuto Koutarou literally came out to the world.

But because it was Bokuto Koutarou, MSBY's sunshine who was known to have the nicest personality in the universe, nobody had dared to say anything against him. 

So they supported them, their relationship even becoming memes with captions like, "If we don't love each other like this, I don't want it."

Bokuto had smiled at one of it back then, and then giddily replied with, "You can find your Akaashi someday too! Just not my Akaashi okay :("

So really, the news of them breaking up had almost felt like a fairy tale proven false to a lot of people, like when you believe in Santa Claus as a kid and then find out he was never real. That kind of impact.

And many people had asked why, but nobody knew the answer.

Not even MSBY, not even Kuroo, not even Fukurodani.

Only Akaashi and Bokuto knew why they broke up.

They'd never shared it to anyone, even to their closest friends. Which was a feat for Bokuto, if you asked Konoha, but it had always been a different story when it came to Akaashi. All they know is Bokuto took a break, luckily the timing being an off season, and then holed himself up in his home.

Akaashi was different though. His job wasn't as flexible, so he had to work the day after the news blew up. 

He'd looked like he didn't get a wink of sleep, which could have been blamed as a by product of his job, but his eyes had always been a little snitch to Akaashi's real feelings.

It was dazed, like it was trying to focus on a job and would end up drifting to another matter altogether. His hair was disheveled, like he'd combed through it a thousand times out of frustration and then never bothered to fix. 

_ He looked like a mess. _

Which was the reason Konoha told himself when he called Akaashi that night to ask if he wanted to have a drink.

The editor had said yes before Konoha even finished his question. They'd resorted to drinking in Konoha's apartment, reasoning that Akaashi didn't want to be seen by prying eyes. Which was true, as he'd seen other tweets questioning if the raven was okay as they, too, noticed the mess that Akaashi had looked like.

He didn't ask any questions that night though, figuring the other would say if he wanted to, so instead he accompanied Akaashi to drink to his heart's content.

Which, in hindsight, something he probably _shouldn't_ have, because it turns out Akaashi's 'heart's content' was somewhere near the line of alcohol poisoning.

He'd woken up with a wicked hangover that day, cursing his life choices and woving himself a lie that he'd never drink that much ever again, when the ray of sunlight from his window had caused his gaze to drift on the lying form of Akaashi on his couch.

He'd found his feet firmly planted on the floor as he watched Akaashi's chest softly rise up and down as streams of sunlight went just past his face and onto the floor that resulted in some soft light reflecting back on Akaashi's face.

His breath hitched as he took in the view upon him.

Konoha had always known Akaashi was beautiful, a fact engrained to his brain partly because of Bokuto's incessant yammering.

But as Konoha allowed himself to look at Akaashi for a second more than he'd usually allow himself to, he'd realized how deeply _lacking_ the term beautiful was to describe him.

Perhaps Akaashi would know the word for it, but he wasn't Akaashi, and right now he couldn't look away from the said man.

His hair was falling on his brows, the others pooling on the edge of his pillow. His eyes were closed and his lips were slightly parted. His glasses was neatly placed on the table beside him, and his breathing was even as sleep still cradled him in its arms.

Konoha noticed how curled Akaashi's eyelashes were as it fluttered ope— "Akaashi!" he exclaimed.

Konoha saw the startle that ripped through Akaashi's system at his sudden outburst. It would have been funny if it wasn't so humiliating. "Y-yes? Is something wrong?"

Konoha put on a forced smile as he shook his head, enthusiastically.

"Nothing! Do you— uhm, what would you like for breakfast?"

Two blinks from Akaashi. Then his eyes darted to the clock. "Ah, no I think I'll just buy from a convenience along the way. I've got about a million things I still need to suffer through—" he ranted as he started collecting his things. There were a few more words questioning about why he even picked that job and he's that going to go insane soon but Konoha couldn't bring himself to listen as he stood there and outright watched Akaashi prepare himself to go out.

He'd only gotten his consciousness back when Akaashi called him for the third time. "Konoha-san?"

It was Konoha's turn to blink stupidly. "Hmm?"

"I said I'm going now."

"Oh, well, uhm, take care then! Yeah, take care of yourself you look like a mess!"

Akaashi had smiled faintly at him. "Will do. And, Konoha-san..."

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

A thank you for the comfort, even if he didn't really know the story. A thank you for understanding... and perhaps a thank you for not asking.

Konoha had smiled back. "Always, Akaashi."

And that should have been the end of it, _should have_ being the key word, because one drink had turned into two, then into three, then they were meeting every week until Akaashi had started treating Konoha's apartment as his home too.

It was then that Konoha knew he was walking a dangerous line.

A very dangerous one, because as weeks passed he began to realize how fucking _easy_ it is to fall for Akaashi. To fall for his silence, his soft smiles, his occasional remarks, and the faces he makes when he's tapping away on his keyboard, too focused on his job to notice Konoha staring at him.

It was so _so_ easy to love Akaashi, but he didn't know if Akaashi could ever love him back.

And if he could ever be as bright as Bokuto was to him, if he could ever make his eyes sparkle like Bokuto does to him.

He knew it was unfair, to compare himself to Bokuto. They were both different people, and they both loved differently, deserved to be loved differently. He knew it was even more unfair that he's already thinking of Akaashi that way when he doesn't even know if Akaashi was ready for a relationship again.

So Konoha kept his silence, buried his thoughts deep within and prayed to the gods he'd never accidentally blurt it out.

But he never expected Akaashi, _Akaashi_ of all people, to be the one to slip.

One night as they were doing their stress relieving, aka drinking, Akaashi had blurted out, "You know, you're not so hard to love, Konoha-san."

And maybe it was the alcohol coating his system, because Konoha found himself saying, "Yeah? Would you fall for me then, Akaashi?"

The editor had given him a playful grin. "What makes you think I haven't already?"

Those words had been enough to chase away the alcohol in Konoha's head. He'd stared at him, wide-eyed, and had comically stayed wide-eyed for the rest of that night.

The very next day, because his words had bothered him to the point that he hadn't been able to function properly at all, Konoha confronted Akaashi about it.

The younger had blushed, lips a bit parted at the shock of his own words, and averted his eyes as he continuously apologized to Konoha about it.

"I'm sorry Konoha-san. I didn't mean to— I wasn't supposed to— I'm sorry... I'll, I'll start distancing myself it makes you uncomfortabl—"

Konoha interrupted him before he can sputter any more nonsense.

"I like you too."

Akaashi's eyes had gone wide, rapidly blinking to Konoha now like he usually does when he's startled, or when he can't quite believe in something. "What?"

"I like you too, Akaashi. Have liked you for a long time now. I just didn't know if it would ever be the right to tell you so I just never—never dared to say it but then you go suddenly slipping telling me you love me and it bothered me so much because now I can't keep my feelings to you a secret any longer—" Konoha took a deep breath. "So... I think I'm the one who should be apologizing Akaashi, for hiding it, for even thinking of you that way before you got over Bok—"

"Konoha-san."

He'd looked at Akaashi, slightly panicked at the firmness of his voice.

But Akaashi only smiled at him, then _laughed._ Excuse me now?

"Wait for me. I'll cook dinner for us both when we get home."

A beat of silence.

.

"I'm the better cook between us, Akaashi."

Then they burst out laughing. That had been the start of something new to them. Unfamiliar territory, but one they were willing to thread through together.

It had been fine at first, a blessing, if Konoha was allowed to describe it, to be able to wake up with Akaashi next to him, to be able to kiss Akaashi when he gets home, tired and sleepy. To be able to hold him in his arms.

Truly, it was one of the best days of Konoha's life.

But life was never just flowers and butterflies, because reality had started running again and somehow it was chasing them both.

It started with a mistaken name, Akaashi calling out to Konoha as he whipped his head to him. "Kou—" he'd started to say. And as if he'd caught himself, he met Konoha's gaze as he continued, "—noha-san, prepare the table, won't you? I'm almost done." he smiled. Konoha had nodded and followed his order.

They'd pretended it never happened, pretended that event didn't haunt their heads for the next few days, but they both knew exactly what had almost happened that time.

Akaashi had almost called Konoha by a different name.

The next was a billboard poster they'd passed by a street on the way to buy groceries. It was a form they both knew so well, of a familiar arched back— one they'd seen up-close a hundred times— of an upraised hand, curved in a way that was ready to spike. Curved in a way that usually meant he was in his best form.

It was Bokuto Koutarou, in his alternate MSBY uniform, smiling as his eyes locked at the ball above him.

Konoha pretended to not notice the longing that flickered through Akaashi's eyes as he stared at the poster before him.

The last one was at the MSBY match, which they both attended to, because of a journalist friend of Akaashi who was supposed to interview the Black Jackals and had begged Akaashi to go with her because she wanted the interview to be good, and because she'd seen Akaashi's talent when they went to Uni together. She'd also said the MSBY would easily warm up to Akaashi, seeing they already knew him.

Akaashi, taking pity of his friend and not really having any reason to say no to, agreed to go to the match.

He was tailing her friend as an advisor when the girl called out a name that had Akaashi freezing on his tracks. "Bokuto Koutarou!!" she'd called out.

Konoha had seen the alarm on Akaashi's eyes that he immediately wrapped his hand around his and squished it, trying to be reassuring.

Akaashi only replied with a hopeful glance.

Bokuto enthusiastically jogged their way and grinned at Akaashi's friend. "Hey hey hey!"

Akaashi couldn't stop staring at the ground.

"I was hoping that maybe I could interview you, Bokuto-san?—" Bokuto was nodding his way through the initial progress of the conversation when he'd noticed the two forms beside the woman in front of him.

Bokuto downright froze, and genuinely looked like he'd seen a ghost.

Well, he wasn't _really_ wrong. 

Akaashi's friend noticed Bokuto's silence and glanced back to Akaashi and Konoha beside him.

"Oh... uhm, Bokuto-san this is Akaashi and Konoha-san. Akaashi used to be acquainted with the Black Jackals so I thought it'd be better if he was around. Konoha-san wanted to see the match too so he's here with him."

It seemed like the woman didn't know _why_ , exactly, had Akaashi formerly been acquainted with the Jackals.

Akaashi throat bobbed before he reluctantly raised his head to meet Bokuto's waiting eyes.

And he wondered if maybe he was a masochist for not breaking when he saw the piles of buried feelings that resurfaced in Akaashi's eyes. Maybe he was, because the fact that none of those buried feelings were anything close to _negative_ should have told him enough about things.

"Bokuto-san." Akaashi, to his credit, had said it with nothing but neutrality in his voice.

The case wasn't the same with Bokuto though. He'd stayed stunned for a couple more seconds before his eyes shifted to meet Konoha's, then, as if a kid connecting dots to form a picture, his gaze landed on their hands between them. Intertwined.

"J—Akaashi."

Konoha didn't miss the expression that flashed on Bokuto's face—too many emotions shown at once to ever be described with just one word, but ultimately– ultimately reflecting what Akaashi's eyes had been showing earlier. Konoha felt the need to hold Akaashi's hands tighter.

This time, he realizes, it was to assure _himself._

Mercifully, Akaashi's friend had started talking again 3 minutes after that dreadful name exchange. He'd felt Akaashi let out a breath, and he glanced to Konoha to give him a smile, to which the older had eagerly replied back with a smile of his own.

He was all too aware of Bokuto staring at them.

The interview somehow went like a blur, courtesy of Akaashi's friend's talkative streak and of Bokuto's outgoing personality, even if he was a little distracted of Akaashi being there.

_A little_ , Konoha could laugh at the understatement. Bokuto had _glanced_ at Akaashi at every chance he could get. Every time he'd answer a question, when he'd do his little gesture of actions, when he'd laugh at whatever the interviewer had said to him, he'd always look to Akaashi— a split second— and then go back to whatever he was doing.

2 years and 5 months passed and it was obvious that Bokuto Koutarou has yet to move-on from his former lover.

They went home that night, silence hanging in the air that felt too much like suffocation—to him at least. He didn't want to stay silent. He wanted to _talk_ about what just happened, but he couldn't bring himself to ask Akaashi about it.

He didn't even know _what_ , exactly, had he wanted to talk about.

Because he felt like he wanted to talk about everything but nothing at the same time, a part of him wanting to know the answers to questions he long buried, in consideration of what Akaashi wanted and didn't want to talk about. 

_A part of him longed to know the truth, of where he really_ _stood._

The other part... the part that wanted to talk about nothing... was scared. Scared of that _answers_ , because he'd made himself fine with the obliviousness, fine with not having any answer at all. And that part of him was now scared of _knowing... or perhaps of the confirmation._

Because in truth, the part of him that wanted talk about nothing? That part of him had known the answers, a long long time ago.

In the middle of that night, he'd heard Akaashi's muffled crying. 

He'd longed to know, but he would have been fine with not knowing at all.

2 years and 5 months passed, and it seemed that Akaashi had finally confirmed the suspicions nagging inside Konoha's head.

Akaashi didn't know he'd cried that night as well.

If he'd been any stronger, any braver, he would've done the right thing. 

For his' sake, for Akaashi's sake.

But being called 'Jack of all Trades, master of none' all throughout his high school years had thought him one thing, and that's he'd never be able to outdo anyone, perhaps forever—a result of being average. That he'd always be a little shadow of the ones who shined better, and that he'd do well with what he has, than have nothing at all.

Konoha knows he'd never be able to replace Fukurodani's ace in Akaashi's heart. He knows that perhaps it'll always be Bokuto's name he'll whisper in the air whenever he's not around.

He knows.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

But he'd be fine with it. He'd learn to be fine with it.

He'd continue to give Akaashi his all, to love him with all his being.

He'd long stopped hoping and comparing if Akaashi could love him like he did Bokuto.

Even if a small part of him continues to hope that maybe someday, maybe someday Akaashi could give him his all too.

He was fine with the bits, he was fine with the pieces.

Because he'd rather have that, than not have him at all.

"Hello?" he'd said to the phone.

_"Yes, this is Akaashi Akinori speaking. Who's asking?"_

**Author's Note:**

> hello! thank you so much for reading :D to add to the angst i'll give you a little after story:
> 
> Akaashi and Konoha grew old together. Akaashi really did love Konoha, albeit slowly, but over time, he'd come to love Konoha as fiercely as Konoha had loved him. But they never did talk about Konoha's particular insecurity of Akaashi 'never getting over Bokuto' except that one time. 
> 
> It wasn't Akaashi's fault, he'd shown he loved Konoha in whatever way he can, and he thought that was enough, because the one time they did talk about it, it was a time still when Akaashi wasn't over Bokuto, and so, he tried to make up for it with actions. Thinking it was better to show than tell, and because Konoha never brought it up again, the topic was left in the past.
> 
> Or so they thought. Konoha carried it till they were old and gray. His thoughts were a firm "Even if he can't love me like he did with Bokuto, I'm fine with it. As long as he loves me, even if it was just pieces."
> 
> Akaashi died first, and then Konoha. Konoha died without ever knowing that Akaashi loved him with all his being too.
> 
> He died without knowing that Akaashi loved Bokuto with everything he had, but if Akaashi had been given a time machine to mend their relationship after they broke up, or to have the choice of not breaking up at all, Akaashi would still choose to grow old with Konoha all over again.
> 
> basically me telling you that up until his last breath, he thought it'd always be bokuto for akaashi and not him. 
> 
> :DD AGAIN THANKS FOR READING LOLOLOLOL


End file.
